I know I can get so much murky at 3am but yes it is 2:58am and I can not just sleep. The thoughts of you are so much unending.
No! This is not happening. This is not just happening. My love, you are not just gonna leave like that. Do you know how it feels to loose you? I completely don’t know what to say. Loosing you has no words. No words completely. It is simply a shattered heart and a million goodbyes said all at once to every part of my soul.
I didn’t know what to say. I felt my heart skip a beat; as if every beat of my heart was trying to escape the thought of her. Her! The woman, woven from my last rib. The rib that complements my rib cage, the ribcage that protects her heart from being broken.
My soul went numb, I could not feel myself. It was as if every blood in my vein had froze. After all she was the blood in my veins.
My love, do you remember? Look at me. Do you remember us? The “us” you said and made a pinky promise that would never vanish. Listen to me, let me tell you. Ssshh! Listen to me keenly. Please, please let me tell you. Love, you remember where we started our life? Do you remember that first job interview I ever had, do you remember that trouser you bought me? Do you remember the $4 you sent me when I didn’t have transport to go on my first interview?
Do you remember the comfort we found sleeping on that floor of that single room? Yes..that single room on the seventh floor of the building in that stuffed up estate? Do you remember how it rained on us and we had to walk on mud that fine evening? Do you remember the kind of comfort you gave me in that cold?
Love, you said you attached each syllable of my name with that blanket because loving me had made you into a child again. You’d snuggle into my chest and tell me about the first day you looked into my eyes and saw a world you’ve never ever seen in your life before.
I remember how the next morning I stared at my reflection and pierced into my eyes – wondering how someone could witness a whole world in my eyes. When all I ever saw was broken. Just something broken. I was trying to find a broken piece of my soul that morning but all I saw was your smile in the iris of my eye. And that is when I knew you had made a home in my soul. We had run away from ourselves and into each others lungs.
Remember? I did not feel good about myself. But you cradled me in your arms and I whispered to you how we share the same soul and so if I love you, I have to love myself. I’d hold onto your quivering nerves and wouldn’t let go until you repeated “I am everything”. Because all I wanted was you to first believe in yourself then believe in us.
Every time your tears dried up and my love gave birth to your smile, I’d kiss you in reward. I’d look into your honey eyes and cup your cheeks with my hands and tell you how much I had fallen so hard. I’ve fallen so hard for you. In fact so deep for you. I’d whisper to you my fears and how much I was terrified of losing a part of my soul.
You’d just smile and trace my broken skin,- “silly girl, I can never leave you.” We conversed about constellations and how our love stole every star from the sky and created a linkage between our souls.
Darkness blanketed the earth but my God! Don’t you remember? We were full of so much light that even the moon did not feel lonely anymore. Speaking of this moon, I remember I told you about this moonlight beam and how I love it so much. I talked about its resemblance to your soul and you just looked into my eyes and smiled and my goodness, the moon his its shyness too.
Your smile always made me giggle, and I’d tell you that you had the heart of an innocent child. I guess our love was so pure. So genuine that it brought about our innocence. It brought out the long lost hidden child. An innocent child. The long lost innocence within us. All this love, it consumed us whole and we loved so much the universe didn’t approve.
And now that you are gone, it feels like I’ve grown up. Grown up into this man whose learnt that although I can still love, although I can still hurt, I will never let anyone in these lungs ever again. I hope to find you. Yes you. My last rib. I will find you and protect you inside my ribcage in my heart so that I can never hurt you, I can never let you go again.
Loving each other was the purest thing we’ve ever done…how can you forget that?
And this babe…is the end of my unspoken feelings.