How do I even begin? Can I be honest? It took a while just to write this, but well, here it is! I needed courage just to grab my phone and type this. Type these jolted words that I long to tell you. I wish I had the strength to tell you these but no. You shut me down like a switched off CPU and took away the power cable. Any time I log into my social media accounts, it is you am looking for.
I console myself that I don’t need you anymore but damn it! I miss you to the moon and back! Whatever that phrase means…I don’t know. You left and the room gathered dust. Our photos together, our beautiful moments, they haunt me every single moment of the day. I’ve realised how much memories can do to someone’s psychology.
I used to say that memories are easily made but hard to forget until you left. Now I clearly understand what memories really are. How memories can really define a man’s life.
But then again, I just can’t explain it! The feeling I get when I really look at her. The feeling I get when I come across her pictures on the social pages. It’s a feeling in my chest, in my stomach. It’s a rush of feelings through out my whole body; underneath the surface of my skin, in my veins, in between the layers of my skin, in between every last single cartilage in my lungs. It’s like a guitar strums beautifully in my stomach, and my lungs are like a pianist’s favourite piece.
It’s one look, that’s all it takes. One look at her, and these emotions take me over. It’s one look, and there’s a sudden, but calm change in the rhythm of my heart, and it echoes her name. It’s one look and I fall more and more in love with her.
Before I go any further, just an honest question, do you ever miss me?
Well, if you don’t, I do! And it hurts. Of course it does. It destroys my living soul knowing we are no longer a part of each others lives anymore, from speaking almost every part of the day to not knowing anything about each other. I really miss you and I don’t know how much poetry it will take for God to bring you back in my life again.
But here I am. Put on the spot, travelling all this long journey alone…trailing the deserts and mountains looking for you. Driving miles and mile looking for you.
You know when you get really tired? Tired of actually missing them. And you just want them to come out if nowhere, literally anywhere and to come and let with you in a completely dark room with simply their arms as you blanket and your legs as theirs and to just melt into each other.
There is this irritation in my soul now, an irritation that I used to feel when I were to be out too long maybe at work and knowing that I ought to hurry up and go home to her. And how she used to be at home waiting for me to get back home from work. Just so that she could sleep in peace knowing that I’m home.
I wonder if she sleeps anymore because there’s no more waiting for me to come home to her and now all I ever so is backspaced the message “I’m home” late at night forgetting she no longer is here. And she has no single idea that I miss her to death. I simply miss her.