Dear the First

Dear the First,

I grew up believing that your type was the sweetest and I also grew up knowing and believing that you were my real first and my very last and I really wanted nothing more but to make you proud. I remember having our first date, and you were the most amazing thing that I had ever seen and earlier I had felt like I had been searching and thoroughly searching for that matter and I found you. I also remember how you came through for my under grad graduation and I was standing there helplessly looking for you and you were right there standing so cute with a beautiful card in your hands just to hug me so hard and tell me how much proud you were of me.

Flash forward almost three years later you vanished, and now you were not there completely. I know you really tried, but to me it was like to other people you tried a lot harder. Like I did not grab any fish when we went fishing. I didn’t have someone to practice my writing skills with. I didn’t have someone to share my weird dreams with and I felt like I was criticized too much. It was a weird time though, but I was old enough to understand that it was different but I wasn’t old enough to understand why, but I knew there was something I was busy getting wrong. But in the long run I came to understand that change is inevitable and guys don’t welcome change the same way as ladies. Even though sometimes the society says ‘I can’t’’ and everyone says ‘’I can’t’’

I know there are things I didn’t do and there are things I did but wasn’t supposed to be done, and when I look back, I just can’t explain why I did them any way but all I know is that I did them because I just wanted you to… like me. There’s no day that goes by that I don’t get to think of you and I don’t think of making you proud. And I still love you despite the fact that you don’t remember certain things about me. And that you don’t know what am going through and that you also don’t know what goes through my head about you. It sucks but its okay.

I thank you for a lot of things. And I just don’t like this. This is not me. I wasn’t meant to be this..

Dear the First, I don’t know why I couldn’t convince myself to find a wonderland. I don’t know why I couldn’t walk down the streets and convince myself that we were a fairy tale that is now lost forever. I think all I wanted was to fight side by side with somebody, but it was always fighting against or you fighting above me. I remember telling you something that I really wanted to do above anything else, and right away you responding with, “it wasn’t possible” That was really unlikely and unlike you. It killed my spirits but anyway, whom am I to complain. I remember you told me that I would never be on the other side of the camera because I was only meant to be in front of it. And I probably only wanted to be the best.

Yeah, thank you for doubting me. Because if you couldn’t have doubted me, I could probably would have doubted myself.

Dear the First, all I could really say is “Thank you” you’ve done some of the things that I shouldn’t forgive you about that you don’t know of and I also did the most absurd things that you shouldn’t forgive me for, but you also are for sure the best people in my entire life and maybe the thing that ever happened to me. I think you are the first person that genuinely wanted to see me do good things. Everybody thinks I know how to dream but, you are probably the best dreamer and achievers that I have ever met.

You still remind me all the time that I can do whatever I wanna do and you always made an effort to remind me. And I don’t know, I can never ever thank you enough for that. You were just …everything. Your belief in me doesn’t make sense to me and I physically can’t process it, and I cannot thank you enough for it. I can honestly say that I couldn’t be who I am today without you. And I wouldn’t have the confidence to do the things I wanted to do. You really did kind of redeemed the entire belief system in me. Thank you for always telling me I couldn’t even if I really couldn’t. Thank you for just reassuring me. I don’t think you know kind of how much I love you, but you are really a chosen family and ummh, you are my shit heart. I thank you for a lot of things. Thank you for doubting me, and thank you for just reassuring me.

Your imperfect and ex-favourite person,

Jacob.

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4 thoughts on “Dear the First

Add yours

    1. Wwooooahh! I have been reading this and I am super excited for you.. I love your work and I must say you are going places…thanks for nominating me.sending you love..like you always sign off..(wink)

      Liked by 1 person

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