I remember my little niece ran up to me one day and told me, ‘we learnt about Jesus today.’’ And I could tell by her smile that she was so excited to learn about this man that she did not quite know yet. But she knew without a doubt that it was to be true because after all, mommy said so.
And that was the first time in my life that I looked straight into the eyes of a child and envied them because she had no idea of what it feels like to doubt. What it feels like to have your entire belief system over load by skepticism. To never know the day that you will finally be able to live beyond the shadow of a doubt. The shadow of a doubt that I have lived in its darkness for so long and now it seems like I have all the right questions. But never enough answers and my faith is small enough to fit in the cracks of my palms.
Every night I lay down to sleep, the city of my mind is attacked by a legend of questions; threatening the living rooms of my sanity and holding them hostage! Lord Can you help me?
Last year, my grandmother laid in a hospital bed like a man in a bus top waiting for God to come pick her up and take her home. I had never seen such pain and such confidence living in the same eyes when she told me, ‘’I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know who I belong to.’’ And for a moment, I was so happy for her and something inside of me wished that somehow before she passed away, she would pass on her confidence in God to me like a family picture.
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I remember sitting in the back row of the sanctuary that I fellowship in and that’s CITAM Karen, crying…and constantly weeping, because I desperately wanted what the preacher was saying to be true. But my doubts were busy preaching a sermon of their own and the streams of my tears turned into an ocean of frustrations. I remember sitting in a college classroom and the only thing being tested was my faith in God (if I was going to cheat in an exam room) and the only thing passing was my hope!
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Me, and a back pack full of fear! And nowhere to go. No one to help me unpack a sleep. I sleep but never get rested. These lines on my face around my eyes are not wrinkles. They are maps. Maps that show you the winding roads that leads to my pains, I am tired! I am so freaking tired! I am longing for the day that I will place my fingers in his nail pierced hands because honestly I have considered quitting but where will I go? Back? No!
There’s no home for the living in the land of the dead so I keep pressing forward. Today I have faith but I can’t make any promises about tomorrow. I had a friend who called me over the phone on a Tuesday evening and promised that he could see me the next day and when his ‘tomorrow’ reached he was no more.
I am surprised that I have held on this long. God, just make me feel that I am not this crazy. God let me know that I am not just making friends with these walls in my house when I pray. I am not questioning you, I just have questions and I need answers so please don’t leave me here.
My child, my child, when it seems like you have the right questions but never the right answers and your faith is small enough to fit in the cracks of your palms I told you, faith the size of a mustard seed can rearrange a whole landscape and turn mountains into open hot waves. Faith comes by my word and so maybe you have cuffed your ears my child, please don’t be childish. But consider the faith of a child who has not quite learned the true definition of ‘impossible’. Have your questions. I am not telling you to have a blind faith, I am telling you to consider the blind men who had faith and believed in my words even before they were able to see me, consider the birds that eat from my hands and do not fall from the sky without my consent. So how much more will I love the ones that I died for? Before you doubt me, doubt your doubts!
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Doubt your doubts and you will see that they are just empty as the tomb that I walked from. Truth is, you know I am here. You know my truth and you are scared. Scared of what that means. Scared of what that should cost you. That one day, they would all laugh at you. Laugh you right out of their class rooms and scorn you out of their court rooms but my love serves as an eviction notice to anxiety. When they cast stones, my love cast out fear. I am the author and the finisher of your faith, I have never started a work that I will not finish. I am the one who will give you courage to stare at death in the face and tell it ‘’how dare you scare me? I know who I belong to’’ and when it feels like you are drowning in the sea of your questions, just know that I am there.
I am there like when I drowned in the red sea of my blood for you and these hands that took holes for you will hold you and when I said that I will love you forever, I meant it. Don’t you see these rings in my hands? See…we are married. For better or for worse, through sickness and in health, through faith and through questions, till death brings us closer, you are mine! You are mine and I am yours, I promise!