Love That Never Was. Part 2

This is a letter to my stranger lover. The lover who never was.

Hi my love,

Hoping that you are well. What used to be a sleepless night slowly turned into a much needed therapeutic event that I always looked forward to. The constant dreams of us being in love but also best friends were replaced with seemingly more regular ones. I slowly started to dream about my upcoming work week not being so loaded or the attractive person I saw on the train the other day.

There was a period where I never wanted to see myself with another person, but surely enough I want to be a home to someone else now. Her heart may beat faster when she sees my name light up her phone screen, just like your heart used to. She might feel grounded and reassured by my presence. She’s the one I would video call while I’m at work. She’s the one who might text me good morning. She’s the one who might be ready to fight for me and won’t substitute me to anyone. She’s the one who will do anything to see me happy.

What used to be a day where I thought about you literally 307 different times turned into a week where I only thought about you twice. When I think of myself being heartbroken and trying to move on, but the thought of you pulls me back. Hoping that you might call or drop a text that you wanna hook up n talk, but all in vain. I don’t think about the feelings you had for me or the things we could have done together. I don’t think about how happy you made me or about how happy I made you. The more I do that the more I break down.

For a brief moment while I am washing my hands or taking out the trash, I think about how the only thing I wanted to do was make it up to you.

But you won’t catch me dwelling on it for hours on end like I used to. Yes, I still miss the way I held your hands and kissed your lips. Yes, I still miss the feeling you gave me and our endless conversation. Our endless video calls, our endless texts with love emojis.

Besides it’s not like I had another option, you are becoming a complete stranger day by day. Morning after morning I wake up with a simple expectation to maybe hear from you or see you. But those expectations are literally never met. Not one single time.

Photo Courtesy of Getty images

The sun keeps setting and the moon keeps rising. New days keep coming, and life keeps moving. So I know I have to as well. I still have my own things to do and my own things to accomplish.

With or without you, I have to keep moving forward.

The craziest thing about all of this is thinking about how you were the absolute center of my universe. In my world, the stars and planets didn’t revolve around the sun. They revolved around you. I would have done anything and everything for you. I was completely obsessed with you; I was undeniably addicted to you. I promised myself I would never fall in love with anyone again. But it was 4am and we were laughing way too hard, and I felt happy for the first time in a long time, and I knew I was super screwed up!

You were everything to me.

You have shown me nothing but love and kindness. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I meant what I said when I told you that you make me so unbearably happy. I love you so, so much. And I would never stand in the way of your happiness.

If this is what you think you need, to do what you must, to fight for the life you dream of having, then I support you. With all my heart, I support you. With every bit of the love I have, I support you.

I realize now that that can’t be true. I have given you parts of who I am that you will always have with you. Parts of me that I could never take back. Parts of me that I would never want to take back even if I could. Parts of me that I hope you’ll choose to keep.

Photo Courtesy of Getty images

You couldn’t lose me any more than I can lose you, because there will always be a portion of my heart that would keep the love you’ve given me forever.

I love you.

And because I love you I will let you go.

Let you go so that you can be great. Let you go so you can be who you need to be.

You are one of the bravest, most courageous, most authentic and most genuine people I know.

And you can do whatever it is in the world that your BIG heart sets you out to do.

Do not ever doubt it for a second. You are an incredible human being with an intellect only bested by His unyielding spirit.

I will forever be proud that at this charmed point in our lives, you chose to love someone like me.

Please keep this letter hidden somewhere if it pleases you. So that if there ever comes a time when you feel any doubt about who you are or what you can do, any doubt about how huge your capacity for love is, you’ll be reminded that somewhere out there someone loves you and believes in you.

Even when you forget how to believe in yourself.

That somewhere out there, when that person thinks of you, he always does so with a smile.

And that at one point in your lives, there was Magic. So let’s finally lift a toast to our love that never was..”to love that never was…”

Photo Courtesy of Getty images

Yours in love,

Imaginary lover.

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