Did I ever say that this thing called life is crazy?
Well, now I say it…in fact when shouting. This life is real crazy! But be careful when shouting with me because you might end up looking even crazier than the life itself. I don’t know about your life but before you talk to me at any point I meet you, I already have an idea of the kind of person you are. I know that sounds weird but as a matter of fact, I completely have a glimpse of the kind of person you are. All I don’t know and that I’m really eager to know is why you chose to be or rather are holding that kind of personality. Let’s now cut down to the chase beautiful people.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones
OK here we go. People can sometimes end up claiming that life sucks or rather the situations we are in, kind of sucks. I’ll go with an example that I am well versed with and that’s relationships. Not in the negative side this time, but the positive side. It is so for sure that no one ever wants to hear about break-ups in their lives. I wouldn’t want to hear about it either, but at times it comes without any prior notification. I mean, there are things that happen in our dear lives that really disorient our system. It’s like trying to feed a PC with harmful information to its system. It will definitely hang and eventually crash.
Human beings are like computers. Yes, we are like computers. Our brains are like CPUs. A CPU will operate according to how it is programmed. We operate according to how we program our brain. Our emotions are what we feel. Our feelings are controlled by our mentality…The brain. But once a part of the brain is tampered with; emotionally or physically, the whole body ends up in a dysfunction state. After all is said and done, we are accountable for all our actions. It is never anyone’s fault.
It’s never easy when a significant relationship ends. More so, when the relationship was so tight and very close. Whatever the reason for the split, and whether you wanted it or not, the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. There are plenty of things one can do to get through this difficult time and move on. Okay, someone is almost disagreeing with me. I know moving on is never easy as it sounds but we can always learn from our experiences and even grow into stronger, wiser persons.
Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it conforms to the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a very high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief. A breakup launches us into uncharted territory; everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, and even your identity. It brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else like them? Will you end up alone?
Now, the main secret of solving a problem is first accepting the mistake and then finding a way to fix it. You want to get through a break-up? First accept the situation you are in. It doesn’t matter who screwed up. Be it you or your partner. It doesn’t matter, because the glass is broken, there’s nothing much you can do but to try collect the broken pieces. There is need to recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused and these feelings can be intense. You also may be feeling so anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the relationship was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. That means less pressure, less stress. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize. Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it. (Source: Mental Health America)
Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup of a love relationship involves multiple losses. Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will be too intense to bear, or that you’ll be stuck in a dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps you let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong your grief, it won’t last forever.
Don’t fight your feelings because It’s very normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings.
Talk about how you’re feeling and even if it is difficult for you to talk about your feelings with other people, it is very important to find a way to do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others are aware of your feelings will make you feel less alone with your pain and will help you heal.
Remember that moving on is the end goal and expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a life; future and as soon as you start committing to another person, you are creating many hopes and dreams. It’s hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression because grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. However, if you don’t feel any forward momentum, you may be suffering from some sort of depression.
Okay before you even think of moving on into a new relationship, try step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship? Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship? Think about how you react to stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive or rather mature way? Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be (precisely, the way you want them to be). Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?
In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling emptiness in your life right now, doesn’t mean that nothing is happening or that things will never change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger.
In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledging the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them. Through this you will be collecting the broken pieces and moving on with the crazy thing called life.
“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong”
You’ll need to be honest with yourself during this part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on the ‘who is to blame’ part or beat yourself up over your mistakes. As you look back on the relationship, you have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you relate to others, and the problems you need to work on. If you are able to objectively examine your own choices and behavior, including the reasons why you chose your former partner, you’ll be able to see where you went wrong and make better choices next time. Now is the time to stand up, shake the dust off your feet and walk away. Don’t let yourself be a victim of circumstance. Be smart, think smartly and execute your decisions right. Remember, as I always say, life is all about choices. Wherever you are or whichever situation you are in right now is your choice.
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long-term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short-term?”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song.
Thanks a lot for reading. It’s been a pleasure receiving feed backs and reading comments from my readers. Tell me your situation. Let’s not only talk about it, but also try finding solutions to our problems.
You can always write back to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
God bless you.