Woop! Woop! Yesterday was 15th of October 2017. Guess what? I just turned a year older! Though I had and still have mixed feelings about this. I know this sounds crazy. I know someone feels I need not to have mixed feelings because I just grew older or rather I just topped up a year in my age gallery. I have mixed feelings. Yes! I do. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad, I sincerely have no idea whether I should scream in happiness or grief.
But this is what I now feel. I feel confused because the more I grow up, the more I realise that life is not how I thought it would be when I was young. I feel like I’m carrying the whole world on my shoulders. Responsibilities! my “To do” list is getting full. Time is running out and and the more it elapses, the more the to do list gets inked in blue. Full of goals. Be it financial goals, spiritual goals, career goals or relationship goals. Before, it was just a simple bright yellow sheet stuck on my bedside; that was so blank and I didn’t even have a single idea of what to write there. Right now it is so blue, or could that be colour green? What is bright yellow plus blue again? Forgive my Art & Craft knowledge.
The bottom line of this matter is that I have a deadline to beat. This deadline is called life. The illusion i just mentioned when i started off this article. As so long as I place my hand on my chest, spread across one side of it, and I am able to feel the heart beat, then I am sure I am still in this war with life. I am sure I can still make changes in my life. I am sure that I can make tomorrow a better day for me and my generation or maybe just for my generation suppose i fail to make it there.
This is a war that I am destined to loose greatly. This is me trying to fight adversity. As much as I know that I am gonna loose it, I’m still under no obligation but to fight on. Fight on and on. The fact that I will eventually loose it, I have no choice. I cant give up, at least I have to prolong this fight. That’s the best I can do for now. Make this fight last a little longer. Buy more time so that I can accomplish some of the inked items on this “to do list”. It is my own fight that I started fighting immediately the X and Y chromosomes fused and I emerged a winner. I fought the good fight. That vibe might as well apply here…just for now though.
But anyway, for the few years i have been able to live this illusion called life, I have seen love turn into pure hate. I have seen married couples who just stay married because they don’t have an option but stay married with zero love binding them. I have seen marriages break apart. I have seen evil. What I am yet to see, is the person I love most with my everything turn against me. Turn against me to the point where I no longer mean anything to them. Turn against me to the point that they cease seeing all the beautiful things they used to see when days were bright. I mean, who dimmed those bright days? Who switched of the lights and left them in a dark room that they can no longer see anything good in us?
Those are some of the endless strings of questions nagging my mind. Questions that I just cannot answer. Not because I am too busy to address them but, I just don’t know how to tackle them.
But moving on swiftly, I turned a year older. I am wiser than i was yesterday. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I want to make this life work. I want to make the day brighter. I don’t want to depend on anyone for my happiness. I want to be self reliant. If life betrayed me and took away daddy after he promised that he will always be here for me, then i cannot trust anyone. Like i have lamented in the past, people come and go, even after they had promised to stay, but life has to go on. Opportunities come and go but none of it is worth my soul.
So as I pen off and write a conclusion, I have realised how I’ve wasted time in the past and how much it has come to haunt me, I don’t want to see a repeat of that. I want to make life better for my generation. I don’t want to be judged by my past. I don’t want my future to be controlled by my past either. I want to be a better man. I want them to look at me and say “Dad did his best” , “My husband did what he had to do, and he was the best man I would ever wish for” , ” My son was the best son I’ve ever had” I want my people not to mourn when finally breathe my last. I want them to celebrate because I made them a better path to follow my footsteps.
I want to lead that life, I want to carry that armour. I want to forever remain in their hearts. I want to make a statement.
I want them to know it was worth it. So kindly let me live…