To You, The One I Never Saw Coming.

Dear You,

Yes, You!

It is always interesting to hear the stories of how people met. I personally love telling ours because the funny thing is I wasn’t looking for you, I just found you. It’s just like people always say, “just when you stop looking, love finds you” (or something like that).

You were always around in my life, here and there, then out of funny circumstances and total coincidence, we became friends and got to know each other more and more, deeper and much deeper. But never in a million years did I think that one day, now, those friendly run-ins would become something more. Who would’ve guess that you’d turn my life upside down and become the person I couldn’t ever imagine my life without.

I use to roll my eyes at those affectionate couples, holding hands to class and giving those farewell kisses…but I get it now. You are so much more than a girlfriend, you are my absolute best friend.

You are my shoulder to cry on and the person I know that would be there for me at any given moment.You are my rock, I honestly have no idea where I would be these couple of months without you.

I have had so many difficult obstacles to get over and I would have never been able to keep going if I didn’t have you by my side. You believed in me, so I believed in myself. When everyone in my life is bitter and awful, I know I’ll always have that one sweet and loving person at the end of the day…I’ll have you.

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There is no one in this world I feel more comfortable around than you. You look at me like I’m the most amazing man in the room, even when I feel like sh*t. I never have to worry about how i look in the mornings as I just wake up or how I might smell after a long hustle. You love me for me, for the person I really am. You love me so I can learn to love myself. By just one look, you can tell when I’m upset and you always tell me the truth, even if it isn’t exactly what I want to hear. I hate to admit but I know you’re right.

You know exactly what cheers me up, whether its my favorite food, an impromptu coffee date at Java , or that amazing chicken at whatever place we love going to… you always know how to put a smile on my face.

I love everything there is about you, all your funny and naughty ways, the constant applications of your lipstick and how you share it with me by force despite your knowledge of me not liking colors on my lips. I love you enough to always save you the last piece of my favorite meals and how we will literally fight about who actually eats it because you know I secretly want it. I love your obsession with cooking and that you are my personal chef.  There is nothing better than you always coming home after your tight schedule or rather hard day of assignments to make me an amazing meal.IMG_20180725_214143.jpg

You always know exactly what I want and need because you listen to every single thing I tell you. Even when I think you’re not listening, you always are. I love how close you are to my family and how much they love you (they might like you more than they like me). I love when you play with my ears, kiss my forehead, and hold my hands. I love that you never judge how much I can eat in one sitting. I love that you are mine… I love you.

I know I’m not the easiest person to love sometimes, but thank you for always putting me in my place and knowing how to handle all my craziness. Thank you for always fighting for us. Even though I hate the small stupid fights I’m still thankful for them because it shows how much we care about each other. Thank you for loving every bit of me, flaws and all. And thank you for showing me what love truly is.

 

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don’t know what I did to get so lucky. Experiencing this love with someone like you is something I never thought I’d get the chance to do. I don’t think I have ever met a more selfless and caring person in my life. You make me want to be a better person every single day. There aren’t enough words to express my feelings for you or explain everything I am thankful for. I just hope you know that I absolutely adore you and always will.

 

I LOVE YOU!

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To The One Who Will Love Her Next.

Good evening sir,

I hope this finds you well. It’s 2210hrs East African time from this side of my world, I don’t know what time it could be from your side but I believe and hope it could be happiness and love o’clock for both of you from your end when you get to read this.

Well, trust me when I tell you that behind all those smiles, all that laughter; is a girl who has lived to hide her tears, and even burry pieces of her existence every time people close to her let her down. She has lived to go through the darkest nights and the seen her worst nightmares. Please take charge of her reality. She’s a warrior with a tender heart, please handle her wounds with care.

When you claim to love her, I hope you will mean it with every atom of your existence, every nerve and every beat of your heart. I beg you to love her genuinely even when it hurts.

I hope you will love her even when she does push you towards the border of love and hatred. I hope you will never leave her even when you get to see her darkest sides. She’s been hurt and her heart has turned cold. I am not speaking on her behalf, I’m just using the exact words she spoke to me when I tried making things work. I hope you’ll live to make her heart bloom again. I hope you will love her even when she tends to be unlovable and shuts you out of her world, because trust me she is capable of that. Take my word. I have 3years of experience in what I’m telling you about. In fact I am including that on my CV.

I hope you get the strength to push on and love her when she proves hard to love. When she’s hard to handle please pull her and wrap your arms around her. Remind her that you are there to stay for a forever kind of a period even when tomorrow feels to be holding loads of uncertainties.

And hey, please don’t make a lot of promises that you can never keep, never lie, never make her feel unwanted. She will love you, and when she does that; she will give this her best. She will fall in love with the way you sleep, and your voice when you are annoyed. She will love you to the core of her world. Please don’t disappoint her.

I hope you never lose her like the way I did. She is a fortune. Trust me she is. Love her when she’s beautiful like spring and cold like winter. And yoo! She’s a keeper and only God knows how many times she lightened others’ worlds while hers was razing on fire burning down.

I hope you will fall for her scars and the tears hidden underneath her smiles. I hope you’ll make her know her worth. Love her as if there’s no tomorrow. Trust me when I say this. The greatest loss you will have in your life is that one of letting her go. Please don’t promise her rainbows in return of dark and gloomy skies. Love her because she deserves it. And make her feel like you are the one meant for her even after all the heartbreaks she endured. She is weak, and string at the same time. Kindly hold her with all your strength.

P/S: She has an amazing mother. You are gonna have an amazing mother-in-law. Please don’t blow that chance up. Because you won’t get it. She doesn’t believe in second chances.

I wish y’all happiness.

Sincerely,

The one who saw her crushing.

Unspoken Feelings. Part 3

I know I can get so much murky at 3am but yes it is 2:58am and I can not just sleep. The thoughts of you are so much unending.

No! This is not happening. This is not just happening. My love, you are not just gonna leave like that. Do you know how it feels to loose you? I completely don’t know what to say. Loosing you has no words. No words completely. It is simply a shattered heart and a million goodbyes said all at once to every part of my soul.

I didn’t know what to say. I felt my heart skip a beat; as if every beat of my heart was trying to escape the thought of her. Her! The woman, woven from my last rib. The rib that complements my rib cage, the ribcage that protects her heart from being broken.

My soul went numb, I could not feel myself. It was as if every blood in my vein had froze. After all she was the blood in my veins.

My love, do you remember? Look at me. Do you remember us? The “us” you said and made a pinky promise that would never vanish. Listen to me, let me tell you. Ssshh! Listen to me keenly. Please, please let me tell you. Love, you remember where we started our life? Do you remember that first job interview I ever had, do you remember that trouser you bought me? Do you remember the $4 you sent me when I didn’t have transport to go on my first interview?

Do you remember the comfort we found sleeping on that floor of that single room? Yes..that single room on the seventh floor of the building in that stuffed up estate? Do you remember how it rained on us and we had to walk on mud that fine evening? Do you remember the kind of comfort you gave me in that cold?

Love, you said you attached each syllable of my name with that blanket because loving me had made you into a child again. You’d snuggle into my chest and tell me about the first day you looked into my eyes and saw a world you’ve never ever seen in your life before.

I remember how the next morning I stared at my reflection and pierced into my eyes – wondering how someone could witness a whole world in my eyes. When all I ever saw was broken. Just something broken. I was trying to find a broken piece of my soul that morning but all I saw was your smile in the iris of my eye. And that is when I knew you had made a home in my soul. We had run away from ourselves and into each others lungs.

Remember? I did not feel good about myself. But you cradled me in your arms and I whispered to you how we share the same soul and so if I love you, I have to love myself. I’d hold onto your quivering nerves and wouldn’t let go until you repeated “I am everything”. Because all I wanted was you to first believe in yourself then believe in us.

Every time your tears dried up and my love gave birth to your smile, I’d kiss you in reward. I’d look into your honey eyes and cup your cheeks with my hands and tell you how much I had fallen so hard. I’ve fallen so hard for you. In fact so deep for you. I’d whisper to you my fears and how much I was terrified of losing a part of my soul.

You’d just smile and trace my broken skin,- “silly girl, I can never leave you.” We conversed about constellations and how our love stole every star from the sky and created a linkage between our souls.

Darkness blanketed the earth but my God! Don’t you remember? We were full of so much light that even the moon did not feel lonely anymore. Speaking of this moon, I remember I told you about this moonlight beam and how I love it so much. I talked about its resemblance to your soul and you just looked into my eyes and smiled and my goodness, the moon his its shyness too.

Your smile always made me giggle, and I’d tell you that you had the heart of an innocent child. I guess our love was so pure. So genuine that it brought about our innocence. It brought out the long lost hidden child. An innocent child. The long lost innocence within us. All this love, it consumed us whole and we loved so much the universe didn’t approve.

And now that you are gone, it feels like I’ve grown up. Grown up into this man whose learnt that although I can still love, although I can still hurt, I will never let anyone in these lungs ever again. I hope to find you. Yes you. My last rib. I will find you and protect you inside my ribcage in my heart so that I can never hurt you, I can never let you go again.

Loving each other was the purest thing we’ve ever done…how can you forget that?

And this babe…is the end of my unspoken feelings.

Unspoken Feelings. Part 2

These are my unspoken feelings. Feelings that I keep with me. Feelings that I haven’t gotten time to pour out.

My love, you are worth the wait. I believe you are my one lost rib. Just like Eve was Adam’s last rib, and that’s why she was named the woman. Not because she was a woo to man, but because she was woven from man. She was woven from him… Adam!

Imagine you my angel, so beautiful that the first time I saw you I felt I was gonna spit poetry. You are at least bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. You see, you are so profound. You are not just mine, you are me. A beautiful and suitable counterpart to do your part. I’d love to believe that you were made from my ribcage to protect the heart and so babe you are worth the wait.

Just like Abraham should have waited for Sarah, I actually resorted to waiting for you and on you; instead of hauling with those haulers. I’m done trying to rush God. Being tempted to twist His promises by trying to change His will with quick fixes.

I’m done! I’ll wait.

But don’t mistake this patience for passiveness. I’m just saying that I

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want to be a purpose of patience in your life. To love you. To pursue you. To make you feel like a woman. Yes a woman. Like Jacob waited for Rachel. Because you know what? I wanna marry you. Not just date you.

I’m looking past the present. I’m looking past your past. I’m looking further to a father that I wanna marry his daughter. Like Jacob told Rachel’s father that he was willing to wait seven times two, fourteen years is quite a long time to do, but my love, you are worth the wait.

Or maybe I should compare you to Ruth. You see Ruth and Boaz are not just a character from a scene of a romantic love story. They are a glimpse into Christ’s redemption. Through him we are born again like Boaz married Ruth so that they could bear children. I want us to build a legacy through your pregnancy.

You are a pathway to a multi generation destiny. That’s crazy right? It’s not only our children that you will bring to life but our children’s children. And their children’s children’s children.

You are worth the wait like King Solomon waited for thirty instalments of Proverbs to reach the last chapter. And I have waited for 28chapters in my life to get near to Proverbs 31 on the tenth verse.

Who can find a virtuous woman who is far beyond good that does good and not evil? All the days of my life because you are my Proverbs 31 woman and I will wait for you. I never want to defile you. So I will wait and will never make love to you until we stand in front of that preacher and say “I do”. And until then, I will continue saying I do, I do still wanna wait for you because you are more than any priceless gems. You are more than the weight of any priceless gems.

Your body is a temple and so through that temple I will worship Him. And until then we won’t give into sex because I want our honey moon to be more than just finding good deals in hotel offers and plane tickets on the internet. Coz my love for you is much more than that.

It is the beginning of a beautiful display of the gospel. A story of love and pain and setbacks and a whole lot of forgiveness, cold shoulders and hot tempers. Imperfection and redemption for two sinners just trying to resemble the gospel. And through it all; the good and the bad and the drama, I still want you to be my wife, my beat friend, my prayer partner and the mother to my baby because you are worth the wait.

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But more than you being worth the wait, Christ is worth our submission. Your worth is found in the blood that He bled. He gave up his body on the cross so that you don’t have to give up your body on that bed. Until we are wedded girl! We are not getting any under covers until we are under a covenant. That…I promise.

You see, it’s only under a covenant that we can get into this holy communion, and my body will be given to you. My love poured out for you and we will do this in remembrance of our union. The day we will give up our independence. When two became one. Ironically a couple became a single. A profound mathematical paradox worth waiting to see.

You are worth the wait. And even when we will get married, you will still be worth the wait. Like, when I will be at the door with the keys in my hands ready to go and you still putting make up on your face, and you look at me and say, ” I am sorry, I made us late” and I will look at you and say, ” No, its cool. Take your time, you are worth the wait”

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Now help me to always continue seeing that you are and will always be worth the wait.

So don’t say goodbye yet. I will wait for you as God continues working on me. I hope He works on you too.

Your future ride or die.

Unspoken Feelings. Part 1

How do I even begin? Can I be honest? It took a while just to write this, but well, here it is! I needed courage just to grab my phone and type this. Type these jolted words that I long to tell you. I wish I had the strength to tell you these but no. You shut me down like a switched off CPU and took away the power cable. Any time I log into my social media accounts, it is you am looking for.

I console myself that I don’t need you anymore but damn it! I miss you to the moon and back! Whatever that phrase means…I don’t know. You left and the room gathered dust. Our photos together, our beautiful moments, they haunt me every single moment of the day. I’ve realised how much memories can do to someone’s psychology.

I used to say that memories are easily made but hard to forget until you left. Now I clearly understand what memories really are. How memories can really define a man’s life.

But then again, I just can’t explain it! The feeling I get when I really look at her. The feeling I get when I come across her pictures on the social pages. It’s a feeling in my chest, in my stomach. It’s a rush of feelings through out my whole body; underneath the surface of my skin, in my veins, in between the layers of my skin, in between every last single cartilage in my lungs. It’s like a guitar strums beautifully in my stomach, and my lungs are like a pianist’s favourite piece.

It’s one look, that’s all it takes. One look at her, and these emotions take me over. It’s one look, and there’s a sudden, but calm change in the rhythm of my heart, and it echoes her name. It’s one look and I fall more and more in love with her.

Before I go any further, just an honest question, do you ever miss me?

Well, if you don’t, I do! And it hurts. Of course it does. It destroys my living soul knowing we are no longer a part of each others lives anymore, from speaking almost every part of the day to not knowing anything about each other. I really miss you and I don’t know how much poetry it will take for God to bring you back in my life again.

But here I am. Put on the spot, travelling all this long journey alone…trailing the deserts and mountains looking for you. Driving miles and mile looking for you.

You know when you get really tired? Tired of actually missing them. And you just want them to come out if nowhere, literally anywhere and to come and let with you in a completely dark room with simply their arms as you blanket and your legs as theirs and to just melt into each other.

There is this irritation in my soul now, an irritation that I used to feel when I were to be out too long maybe at work and knowing that I ought to hurry up and go home to her. And how she used to be at home waiting for me to get back home from work. Just so that she could sleep in peace knowing that I’m home.

I wonder if she sleeps anymore because there’s no more waiting for me to come home to her and now all I ever so is backspaced the message “I’m home” late at night forgetting she no longer is here. And she has no single idea that I miss her to death. I simply miss her.

Photo courtesy Google + pictures

Dear the First

Dear the First,

I grew up believing that your type was the sweetest and I also grew up knowing and believing that you were my real first and my very last and I really wanted nothing more but to make you proud. I remember having our first date, and you were the most amazing thing that I had ever seen and earlier I had felt like I had been searching and thoroughly searching for that matter and I found you. I also remember how you came through for my under grad graduation and I was standing there helplessly looking for you and you were right there standing so cute with a beautiful card in your hands just to hug me so hard and tell me how much proud you were of me.

Flash forward almost three years later you vanished, and now you were not there completely. I know you really tried, but to me it was like to other people you tried a lot harder. Like I did not grab any fish when we went fishing. I didn’t have someone to practice my writing skills with. I didn’t have someone to share my weird dreams with and I felt like I was criticized too much. It was a weird time though, but I was old enough to understand that it was different but I wasn’t old enough to understand why, but I knew there was something I was busy getting wrong. But in the long run I came to understand that change is inevitable and guys don’t welcome change the same way as ladies. Even though sometimes the society says ‘I can’t’’ and everyone says ‘’I can’t’’

I know there are things I didn’t do and there are things I did but wasn’t supposed to be done, and when I look back, I just can’t explain why I did them any way but all I know is that I did them because I just wanted you to… like me. There’s no day that goes by that I don’t get to think of you and I don’t think of making you proud. And I still love you despite the fact that you don’t remember certain things about me. And that you don’t know what am going through and that you also don’t know what goes through my head about you. It sucks but its okay.

I thank you for a lot of things. And I just don’t like this. This is not me. I wasn’t meant to be this..

Dear the First, I don’t know why I couldn’t convince myself to find a wonderland. I don’t know why I couldn’t walk down the streets and convince myself that we were a fairy tale that is now lost forever. I think all I wanted was to fight side by side with somebody, but it was always fighting against or you fighting above me. I remember telling you something that I really wanted to do above anything else, and right away you responding with, “it wasn’t possible” That was really unlikely and unlike you. It killed my spirits but anyway, whom am I to complain. I remember you told me that I would never be on the other side of the camera because I was only meant to be in front of it. And I probably only wanted to be the best.

Yeah, thank you for doubting me. Because if you couldn’t have doubted me, I could probably would have doubted myself.

Dear the First, all I could really say is “Thank you” you’ve done some of the things that I shouldn’t forgive you about that you don’t know of and I also did the most absurd things that you shouldn’t forgive me for, but you also are for sure the best people in my entire life and maybe the thing that ever happened to me. I think you are the first person that genuinely wanted to see me do good things. Everybody thinks I know how to dream but, you are probably the best dreamer and achievers that I have ever met.

You still remind me all the time that I can do whatever I wanna do and you always made an effort to remind me. And I don’t know, I can never ever thank you enough for that. You were just …everything. Your belief in me doesn’t make sense to me and I physically can’t process it, and I cannot thank you enough for it. I can honestly say that I couldn’t be who I am today without you. And I wouldn’t have the confidence to do the things I wanted to do. You really did kind of redeemed the entire belief system in me. Thank you for always telling me I couldn’t even if I really couldn’t. Thank you for just reassuring me. I don’t think you know kind of how much I love you, but you are really a chosen family and ummh, you are my shit heart. I thank you for a lot of things. Thank you for doubting me, and thank you for just reassuring me.

Your imperfect and ex-favourite person,

Jacob.

Optimism: The Only Option

Happy new year peeps! 2018 started on a high note. I made it on this other side of the world.

It’s Tuesday, the 9th day of January, 2018 but hey! I still don’t know what my purpose is. I’m afraid I will never know. That makes me very happy. Maybe I can have lots of adventures between today and the day I die. Maybe I can do lots of different things. And if I don’t—if I die, even tomorrow-that’s fine also. What does purpose mean when we are dead? We might as well choose to be happy now.

Fill your life with optimism. Optimism will keep you going and make life more enjoyable. This doesn’t mean everything that happens is good. It’s more about keeping the big picture in mind, having faith that good things will happen. And recognizing that many good things are happening right now.

We have to ignore the setbacks and keep moving forward, expecting that good things will happen. Counting our loses and obsessing over why certain things happen will prevent us from seeing good things that are right under our nose.

We’re capable of creating a positive state of mind for ourselves. But we have to stay away from negative influences. When we’re around other people we are entering their world — their perception of reality. That perception may be quite different from our own.

People fool themselves into thinking that the currency of unhappiness will buy them happiness. That we have to “pay our dues,” go on some sort of ride, and then get dropped off at a big location called our “purpose,” where now we can be happy.

They say life would be great with a little more of sugar, salt and everything nice; but I don’t think so. I guess life would be great with a little bit of sugar, salt, spice, pepper and everything twice

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We have no choice but to be optimistic. The alternative offers us no advantage. Pessimism is not a viable option. There’s plenty of reason to be pessimistic. But there’s also plenty of reason to be optimistic. Being optimistic starts with appreciating what you have. Everyone has something to be grateful for.

More important is to throw away the baggage, the grudges from the past that, a thousand years from now, will mean nothing. Give up on the ambitions for the future that are more trouble and anxiety than they are worth. To de-clutter your brain. To be free. To suffer a “little death” or to be “born again”

P.S. I’m not talking about downside risk. It’s important to consider the potential downside to decisions we make. But our overall outlook on life should be optimistic.

Thanks again for reading. I’m out. PEACE!

Who’s In Your Circle?

 

Love… Loyalty… Status!

If all you had to offer was FRIENDSHIP, who would still be around? Real situations expose fake people and so sometimes it takes to experience tough times and be down in life to find out who is really willing to be down with you. People pretend to be so well off and really loving when in real sense their souls are out there for sale. This could be true to me but not to you. Sometimes the people you trust the most are the people who really want to see you fail. Just because they are riding with you, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are riding for you and that’s a fact. Be the judge!

You see the fact that they smile around with you and celebrate with you when you progress in life, doesn’t mean they are really happy for you.

You see just because they their talk appeal in your presence doesn’t really mean that they talk well behind your back. Who can you trust?FRIENDSHIP

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I mean some of us are fighting for people that went through a pinch for us but yet; these are the ones we call FRIENDS. You know, the ones that care so much about our struggles but yet so silent when we win. The ones that bring gossip to you about you but your name, they will never defend. Try and understand that everybody in your boat might not be rowing but drilling holes. And as the time goes, their jealousy grows.

Pay attention!

Because that is what you get if you won’t and you will get exposed. Everybody in your circle might not be in your corner. Betrayal doesn’t always come through unfamiliar faces. So don’t be surprised when God comes in your life and appoints a stranger to take you to higher places. Don’t be surprised if your growth makes your circle smaller. But you got two choices, you either let it make you or you let it break you. Make your dream even larger, make your vision see clearer and further. There’s more to your path than where you are currently at.friendship-

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And I think life might have taught you this at some certain point, sometimes the best way to act in your life is not to add to it, but to subtract. Try and understand that sometimes it’s not about the size of your circle, it’s about the LOYALTY that’s in it. Nothing can stop a squad that is dedicated to fighting for the same MISSION, focused on the same VISION. Does your circle have that type of COMMITMENT?  Are they happy for you when you win? Or is it that the more you do better, the more that love gets distant? The more their support goes missing.

Listen here, real friends don’t hate on each other. Real friends push each other to get up and go get that SUCCESS. Do you have those kinds of friendships in your life? Because my instincts are very contagious. And I promise you this, whoever you consistently surround your life around, will surely persuade it.

Wake up! Everybody’s prayers for you to make it, do they really have LOVE for you? Or do they just fake it. Do they really have LOVE for you, or do they just love to use you? To some, this is just an opportunity and yes that’s how these FAKE friends will do you. They present what you WANT, just to take what they NEED. And when they can no longer benefit from your life, well…that is when their LOYALTY leaves.

So I am going to ask you this question again, If all you had to offer was FRIENDSHIP, who would still be able to call you a FRIEND?

TAG THEM TO THIS ARTICLE. Let them know that you appreciate them.

It’s time to love them, let’s do this.

I’m out. PEACE!

A Shadow of Doubt.

I remember my little niece ran up to me one day and told me, ‘we learnt about Jesus today.’’ And I could tell by her smile that she was so excited to learn about this man that she did not quite know yet. But she knew without a doubt that it was to be true because after all, mommy said so.

And that was the first time in my life that I looked straight into the eyes of a child and envied them because she had no idea of what it feels like to doubt. What it feels like to have your entire belief system over load by skepticism. To never know the day that you will finally be able to live beyond the shadow of a doubt. The shadow of a doubt that I have lived in its darkness for so long and now it seems like I have all the right questions. But never enough answers and my faith is small enough to fit in the cracks of my palms.

God!

Every night I lay down to sleep, the city of my mind is attacked by a legend of questions; threatening the living rooms of my sanity and holding them hostage! Lord Can you help me?

Last year, my grandmother laid in a hospital bed like a man in a bus top waiting for God to come pick her up and take her home. I had never seen such pain and such confidence living in the same eyes when she told me, ‘’I don’t know what I am going to do, but I know who I belong to.’’ And for a moment, I was so happy for her and something inside of me wished that somehow before she passed away, she would pass on her confidence in God to me like a family picture.

fear-confidence-note_SI

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I remember sitting in the back row of the sanctuary that I fellowship in and that’s CITAM Karen, crying…and constantly weeping, because I desperately wanted what the preacher was saying to be true. But my doubts were busy preaching a sermon of their own and the streams of my tears turned into an ocean of frustrations. I remember sitting in a college classroom and the only thing being tested was my faith in God (if I was going to cheat in an exam room) and the only thing passing was my hope!

doute

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Me, and a back pack full of fear! And nowhere to go. No one to help me unpack a sleep. I sleep but never get rested. These lines on my face around my eyes are not wrinkles. They are maps. Maps that show you the winding roads that leads to my pains, I am tired! I am so freaking tired! I am longing for the day that I will place my fingers in his nail pierced hands because honestly I have considered quitting but where will I go? Back? No!

There’s no home for the living in the land of the dead so I keep pressing forward. Today I have faith but I can’t make any promises about tomorrow. I had a friend who called me over the phone on a Tuesday evening and promised that he could see me the next day and when his ‘tomorrow’ reached he was no more.

I am surprised that I have held on this long. God, just make me feel that I am not this crazy. God let me know that I am not just making friends with these walls in my house when I pray. I am not questioning you, I just have questions and I need answers so please don’t leave me here.

Don’t…leave me.

My child, my child, when it seems like you have the right questions but never the right answers and your faith is small enough to fit in the cracks of your palms I told you, faith the size of a mustard seed can rearrange a whole landscape and turn mountains into open hot waves. Faith comes by my word and so maybe you have cuffed your ears my child, please don’t be childish. But consider the faith of a child who has not quite learned the true definition of ‘impossible’. Have your questions. I am not telling you to have a blind faith, I am telling you to consider the blind men who had faith and believed in my words even before they were able to see me, consider the birds that eat from my hands and do not fall from the sky without my consent. So how much more will I love the ones that I died for? Before you doubt me, doubt your doubts!

Question

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Doubt your doubts and you will see that they are just empty as the tomb that I walked from. Truth is, you know I am here. You know my truth and you are scared. Scared of what that means. Scared of what that should cost you. That one day, they would all laugh at you. Laugh you right out of their class rooms and scorn you out of their court rooms but my love serves as an eviction notice to anxiety. When they cast stones, my love cast out fear. I am the author and the finisher of your faith, I have never started a work that I will not finish. I am the one who will give you courage to stare at death in the face and tell it ‘’how dare you scare me? I know who I belong to’’ and when it feels like you are drowning in the sea of your questions, just know that I am there.

I am there like when I drowned in the red sea of my blood for you and these hands that took holes for you will hold you and when I said that I will love you forever, I meant it. Don’t you see these rings in my hands? See…we are married. For better or for worse, through sickness and in health, through faith and through questions, till death brings us closer, you are mine! You are mine and I am yours, I promise!

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